When life gives you lemons, make a nasty face

Yuck is all I can say.  I've got the mother of all sinus infections, and have missed 3 days of work.  It's been cloudy or raining most of the last week and weather predictions say it won't let up for awhile.  One of my contacts isn't working so I'm forced to wear my glasses.  House is a mess because I've been sick, and no one in my family knows how to pick up.

To put it in a nutshell, I'm cranky.  Don't know which of the above factors to blame.

Know what would make me happy?  $100,000 ought to do it.

What not to say

If someone you know is trying to lose weight, please refrain from the following . . .

1.  Telling them that the vegetables they are eating are high glycemic.  They are VEGETABLES for chrissake not M&Ms
2.  Telling them they need to add more weight or length or height or depth to their exercise.  If they are moving at all, shut up.
3.  Remarking on their choice of salad toppings.  They are easing away from Big Macs into healthy choices so just support them.
4.  Telling them they COULD be losing weight faster if they really wanted to.  Maybe, maybe not.  But they could also be gaining weight so again, just support them.
5.  Unless you've lost a significant amount of weight yourself, do not tell them you understand.
6.  Do not EVER tell them they lack willpower.  Some folks have a much harder time stepping away from food.  Same way some folks crave alcohol, or cigarettes, or reality TV.
7.  Making negative comments about their method.
8.  Getting into a conversation about all your most hated body parts and how fat you look.  That's just depressing.
9.  Saying "It's about time you lard ass!"
10.  Contradicting their doctor's advice about food, exercise, medications, etc unless you can produce your own license to practice medicine and nutrition services.
11. Being the food police.  Nothing makes someone want to bitch-slap you more than commenting or giving dirty looks over their food choices.

But feel free to . . . .
1.  Tell them every chance you get that you love them no matter what.
2.  Enjoy their company and not watch their food intake.
3.  Go for walks with them, at their pace.
4.  Have them over for yummy healthy food, without remarking how healthy it is
5.  Tell them how good they look
6.  Tell them you admire their strength

You'll eat them all, with ketchup

To all you new or young parents out there . . . .
A friend and I were laughing ourselves silly over all the things we said we'd NEVER do, or would ALWAYS do before we had kids.  Well before.  Well, Well, before.  Before we ate every single word, deep fried, with ketchup.  And you people will eat them too.

1. I'll never use the TV as an electronic babysitter
2. I'll never let the family car get THAT dirty
3. I'll never yell "SHUT UP" at my kids
4. I'll always tell them the absolute truth
5. I'll never feed them crap like Kraft Mac and Cheese
6. I'll never let them sleep in our bed
7. I'll never go nuts over home improvement in the months leading up to their graduation party
8. I'll never let my teen daughter wear a thong
9. I can't ever see myself hiding in the bathroom from my kids
10. I would never spend useless time on the computer, then tell them it's "work"
11. I will never let them go out in public wearing superman pajamas and cowboy boots
12. I won't let them snack between meals
13. No Happy Meals
14. I will NEVER let my teens talk to me like that!!
15. Public tantrums?  MY kids will KNOW that won't fly with me.
16. When they are out of control, I will just reason with them
17. We'll have such an open relationship, they'll tell me everything
18. My kids will NEVER lie to me
19. I will NOT let my daughters get into Disney Princess things - those things are so sexist.
20. My sons will not have toy guns

Not much, you?

1. I'm on a weight loss program, eschewing all things delicious, making good choices, and losing about .0000567 lbs per week.  At this rate I'll hit my goal in 2036.  Just in time for the retirement home.

2. Spring is a month early in Minnesota, which has to qualify as a full-on miracle.  Tulips in March up here is a sign of the apocalypse.

3. If I don't win the mega-millions tonight, my girls and I might have to take up prostitution to cover college tuition.  My services will cover a highly select niche market.

4. Rick Santorum is just a nasty little dink.

5. I want one of the food-preparation-thingys from Star Trek where you just tell computer what you want and it slides out from a drawer in the wall.  I wouldn't even mind washing the dishes.

6. Every weekend until late May, I'm making cheesecake and biscotti for the twins' graduation party.  Yes, the same kids that claim I never do anything nice for them.

7. When I win the mega millions tonight, the first 2 comments get $100,000 each.  Dr. Monkey will always get a chunk cuz I know he'd do the same for me.

We won't go back

Dear GOP men and your self-loathing women,

We, the women of the USA, will NOT go back in the cage.

We will not allow your fears and control issues to crawl inside our bodies, like you own the place.
We will not go back to the days of butchering before Roe vs Wade.
We WILL completely and unabashedly enjoy our sexuality with any adult partner of our choosing.  And if our smiling sexually satisfied faces horrify you, you'd best just stay home.
We WILL decide how many, if any, children we bear.
We will not "behave" while you shatter our civil rights.
We will physically break any vaginal ultrasound wand you bring at us in an attempt to control us.
We will go to jail to fight for our rights.
We will NOT be forced out of the public eye.

If you mess with our freedom, we will HURT you.

I like to judge the Oscars

Nothing I like better than passing smug judgement on rich celebs, while sitting in my sweats - on the sofa - with my bad hair and acne.

Octavia Spencer looks perfect!
I love Molly McCarthy!  Or Melissa.  Or whatever her name is.
I see a lot of women who need to eat something.  Do you men really find that skeletal look attractive?
6:30 and all I can say is boring, boring, boring.
"Who are you wearing?" has to be the most pretentious phrase every spoken.
Michelle Williams looks like she pulled her dress from her daughter's dress-up box.
Max Von Sydow's date is one HOT older woman.
Kristen Whig and the woman who cowrote her movie have exactly the same hair and the most boring dresses ever.  Isn't everyone just over that hair style yet?
George Clooney's date has bigger shoulders than he does.
Who are all those non-celebs?
Instead of wasting all that fossil fuel on SUV limos, couldn't they just use a big city bus to round up all those movie stars?
Sandra Bullock never fails.
The whole grain waffles I made this morning are giving me some killer gas - just thought I'd throw that in there.
Lovin Chris Rock's retro afro.  He looks like The Jefferson's son Lionel.
I like Billy Crystal, but he's starting to look like Christopher Walken.   He needs to quit dying his hair with shoe polish.
NOT a Gwyneth Paltrow fan.

Did you know . . . .

Someone here had a birthday last week????????